Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
we're chasing vodka with high fives
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
