i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
