Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
