If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
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