the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
