did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
