Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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