Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
