Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
