Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
