im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
