The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
