I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
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