dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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