we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
