You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Randomize
