She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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