but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I'm passing your future prison.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
