Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Princesses don't give blow jobs
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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