I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
