I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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