I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
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