oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
