a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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