just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
