Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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