No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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