I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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