I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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