Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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