9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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