I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Enjoy the penises
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize