I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Randomize
