I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
