i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
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