john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
