The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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