just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
