I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
