Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
