even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
