I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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