You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I smell like Dick and happiness
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
