Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
