3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
