So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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