he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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