Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Randomize
