u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Randomize
