I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Randomize
