Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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