I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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