All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
