hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
