I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
