If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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